From Feature:
Victims without Voices
With sexual abuse statistics growing at an alarming rate throughout the Middle East, Sanam Peshimam uncovers the truth behind the facade of family honour.
Mariam*, now 26 speaks with glazed eyes at memories of the summer when she turned 8. What was meant to be the perfect summer spent in Jordan with her entire extended family, turned into a dark blot on an otherwise idyllic childhood, whose painful memories followed her through most of her adult life.
“All my life I was protected and sheltered by my parents and siblings, the youngest of four kids, it seemed like I was always chaperoned, followed, monitored, says Mariam, “I remember not even being allowed to go to the supermarket alone, you could say my parents were aware of all the dangers that lurked out in the big bad world.” What Mariam’s parents failed to anticipate, were the dangers lurking within her own family. She recounts how a particular older cousin took a liking to her and spent a lot of time taking her around the city, playing with her and giving her special attention. Mariam welcomed the attention, remembering how being the youngest; nobody usually had time for her. “Ahmed* was the prodigal son of our family. Ivy League-educated, working in a dynamic job, filled with warmth, compassion and witticisms, all us younger kids looked up to him and adored him.”
Over the course of that summer, Ahmed sexually abused Mariam at least a dozen times. “It all started out with hugs, some which went on a little longer than necessary, and always when nobody else was around, the hugs led to touches in inappropriate places and later, much worse. I was completely lost, bewildered and confused. He was so calm and seemingly normal, and pretended like what he was doing shouldn’t be making me feel uncomfortable.” Against this smooth-talking cousin, adolescent, sheltered Mariam began to doubt and isolate herself. She knew, deep down inside that these touches and ‘games’ were wrong, yet she didn’t have the courage to tell anyone else about them. “Nobody ever suspected, says Mariam with a shake of her head, “Nobody ever wondered why we spent so many evenings together, it was just considered family bonding…nobody asked once why my behaviour was changing, nobody even noticed in the mayhem of a large family. Nobody asked, and I never told.”
An all too familiar story with one in three girls in the Middle East, who have been sexually abused in the past by a family member. The statistics are astonishing; A poll carried out by a Women’s Rights Advocacy Group in the Middle East says 47% of women have been sexually abused or molested by a family member, some recalling incidents of molestation aged as young as 4. Sexual abuse by definition is a form of child abuse in which a child is abused for the sexual gratification of an adult or older adolescent. In addition to direct sexual contact, child sexual abuse also occurs when an adult indecently exposes their genitalia to a child, asks or pressures a child to engage in sexual activities, displays pornography to a child, or uses a child to produce child pornography.
“It is a big problem, and one which often goes unreported due to the stigma attached, says Dr. Roghy McCarthy, of The Counselling and Development Clinic, Dubai. Just as a woman is more likely to be murdered or attacked by a person known to her, a case of molestation often occurs close to one’s home, sometimes even under their own roof. The depravity of such an act and the devastating effects it can have can only be imagined. As Dr McCarthy explains, above and beyond the humiliation of being abused, it is the complete and utter loss of faith in one who is meant to be ‘safe’ is what affects the victims of child abuse well into their childhood.
Why are the statistics of sexual abuse (nearly 90% unreported) so high in the Middle East?
The notion of family honour could be one explanation. Mariam eventually confessed to her mother, shaking and shuddering of what happened that summer in Jordan. Her mother was aghast, but said nothing and made Mariam promise to forget it ever happened. The close-knit family ties in even modern middle-eastern families demand respect and honour of a girl should be withheld at all costs. “I was devastated my baby girl had to go through that, says Mariam’s mother, but I kept my anger and sadness to myself. Firstly, if word got out, my daughter would forever be tainted, in the eyes of the family and even possible potential suitors in the future, secondly, Ahmed is my Husband’s brothers son, it would sever ties within the entire family, everything would be in shambles…people would talk, rumours would spread, everything would be a mess. So I kept quiet. I watched Mariam cautiously after that and never let her be alone with Ahmed again, but nothing was ever said.”
This sad and frankly galling explanation alas makes sense. The family model is time-honoured and no matter what lurks beneath, family members are told to uphold the honour of the family name at all times. This means sweeping under the carpet any indiscretions or suggestions of foul play.
The ones to suffer the most in the entire situation are obviously, the victims. Rabiyah, 36 recounts how such an incident during her pre-teens left her completely devastated for a large part of her adult life. “I disrespected my body, often finding myself in compromising positions…every vice, you name it I’ve done it.” Girls like Rabiyah who learn at a young age of the truly despicable side human nature can stoop to, and more often than not, never face any form of justice, grow up to self-harm. “My warped subconscious logic was, it was OK to treat myself and my body like dirt, because someone I trusted with all my life thought it was OK to do so” says Rabiyah.
After years of counselling and battling their demons, Rabiyah, and Mariam both have tried hard to move on from those fateful encounters. “I will never let it go, but I’m working hard to move on and make positive decisions. I can’t help the fact that some sick individual took advantage of me when I was vulnerable, but I can help the decisions I make here on out, says Rabiyah, and if anything like this ever happened to my child I would make sure justice is served, no matter what the consequences to family.”
It is a powerful assertion, against a backdrop of injustice. Almost nobody is blameless in this situation, the perpetrator for this most vile act upon the most innocent of prey, those that involuntarily allowed it to happen and let the perpetrator get away with it, and indeed society itself, which allows incidents like these to occur every day. The only one who leaves without blame is the victim, who will forever carry scars, but will hopefully break the cycle of secrecy and never allow it to happen to another.
FACT BOX
Signs of molestation or sexual abuse to look out for in a child
*The child may refuse to attend school or start to have difficulty concentrating so that their schoolwork is affected.
*They may show unexpected fear or distrust of a particular adult or refuse to continue with their usual social activities.
*They may start using sexually explicit behavior or language, particularly if the behavior or language is not appropriate for their age.
*The child may describe receiving special attention from a particular adult, or refer to a new, "secret" friendship with an adult or young person.
Physical signs of abuse
*Pain, itching, bruising or bleeding in the genital or anal areas
*Genital discharge or urinary tract infections
*Stomach pains or discomfort walking or sitting
*Sexually transmitted infections.
If you or a friend notice a child in trouble, or have yourself been a victim of sexual abuse in the past, please contact Dubai’s Counselling and Development Centre on 04-3471712.
*names have been changed to protect identities.
